magical vending machine

You can't put in what you don't have.

You get a hypnotic video from YouTube that turns you into a cat.

I put a cask of olive oil into the magical vending machine.

You get a video from- ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOTOAD.

I put a basket full of ears into the magical vending machine.

I'm not touching those ears....

You get a pair of latex gloves. I have a joke about them.

I put a bowl of pinto bean soup into the magical vending machine.

You get a boner shaped Piñata.

I put a pint of cricket legs into the magical vending machine.

I've been disgusted at crickets ever since I went to the Reptile House during feeding time. The lizard's name was the black monitor lizard and the keepers dumped about fifty crickets into his exhibit (about the size of your average plane seat). The lizard started gobbling up the crickets like they were popcorn, chewing legs first so you could still see the crickets' head before it got swallowed. Three decapitated crickets poking out of a monitor lizard's mouth is not a pretty sight.

You get a gourd of grimy, greasy gopher guts.

I put a bunch of parsley into the magical vending machine.

You get sage, rosemary and thyme.

I put a painter into the magical vending machine.

I like herbs, they smell nice.

You get the evil painter of the Dark from Greenwitch, who painted his wicked spells on canvas in scary shades of yellow and green.

I put a sack of potatoes into the magical vending machine.

You get a sign saying "DAMN YOU FOR MISSING THE MUSIC REFERENCE!".

I put a 3-legged hamster into the magical vending machine.

I can cut the sign up and use it for decorations, or just recycle it, yay!

You get a vial of my tears (they're salty).

I put a carton of cheap rice from the local Chinese restaurant into the magical vending machine.

You get a sheep.

I put a carton of milk into the magical vending machine.

Where am I going to keep this sheep? Australia? A friend of mine has a birthday coming up, and he likes lamb chops, though......

You get a straw hat, like the one Jed Clampett wore on The Beverly Hillbillies.

I put a whole salami into the magical vending machine.

You get 2 melons.

I put a sexual innuendo into the magical vending machine.

I don't like most melons, so if they are honeydew or watermelon, I'm leaving them there. Cantaloupe is fine, but somehow, I think you mean something else than the fruit kind of melons (especially if you gave me two). Stick that sexual innuendo somewhere where you can appreciate it
You get a stock of scorecards, although I'm not sure I'm in a position to give them to you.
I put a bunch of apple bananas into the magical vending machine.

You get a this.

I put Baraka into the magical vending machine.

You get our Lord and Savior....and some fried eggs.

I put a pair of Cleopatra's pearl earrings into the magical vending machine.

You get an amphitheatre.

I put Istria into the magical vending machine.

Ooh, an ampitheatre. Now I can execute Christian heretics in an entertaining fashion!

You get a royal barge.

I put the crown of Edward Longshanks into the magical vending machine

You get the crown of Jesus Christ.

I put the all of the family jewels of the British royal family into the magical vending machine.

What am I going to do with that, exactly?

You get a Post-It note in the shape of an origami crane (yes, I can do that; I can do much more also, but no one cares except me and my art pals).

I put Marie Antoinette's head into the magical vending machine. Viva la revolucion, messiours.

You get a bucket of royal blood.

I put Napoleon into the magical vending machine.

Royal blood, thank you! It's so pretty...I wonder if it is Bolingbroke's...that would be awesome! But who would want to take out a short, angry, tyrannical man? That's what I thought.....

You get Robert the Bruce, aka Robert I of Scotland.

I put a lock of my hair into the magical vending machine.

You get an aphrodisiac.

I put myself into the magical vending machine.

You get a paintbrush made of squirrel fur (the most powerful aphrodisiac of all time). How are you going to go to school if you are in a vending machine full of random crap? I'm sure Marie Antoinette's head staring at you keeps you up at night.

I put a comfortable sleeping bag into the magical vending machine, so you can sleep without lying on the cold, dead, floor.

You get me crawling out of the machine, in disgust of it's contents.

I put a pillow into the magical vending machine for the poor other guy that was inside..